The Unbearablle Lightness of Being
by CSI1983
Summary: Post Living Doll  Things take on more meaning for the team as they wait for Sara to wake up  GSR Of course!


The Unbearable Lightness of Being

When they had found her, she was barely alive. As they sat in the waiting room the doctor came over to them with a grim warning; she may not make it. Grissom nodded, for he did not trust his voice enough to speak. The rest of the team sat in lonely silence, suddenly shy on just how to approach him. The woman he loved could die and there was nothing they could do to eleveat the pain and change the situation that they had all found themselves in. They were still trying to process his shock announcement, the same one in which he professed his love for her but despite her hurt feelings, Catherine refused to leave his side. She remained where she was, her hand holding his tightly, silently praying that Sara would be ok. They stayed this way, silent, restless and completely hopeless for the next twenty-four hours. Every time a doctor appeared from behind the swing doors, Grissom's heart would thump so hard that he could have sworn that he was having a heart attack. Then the thumping would ease as the doctor passed, leaving just the horrible ache of loss. With the distraction gone, he was once again drowning in memories of her. The way she walked, the way she talked and the way she smiled. The way she fitted so perfectly against him when they made love, the way she tasted when he kissed her skin. Everything about her, everything that made her who she was, was everything that made sense to him. She made him a better person, a better man for knowing her. What would become of him if he lost her? It would break him, he knew that. Life without her was a shadow of the real thing, a poor imitation of the real deal. He had lived in the shadows before he had met Sara; she was his own little ball of reluctant sunshine. After being so happy, he never wanted to move back to the shadows again.

He watched as the seconds, minutes and hours slipped by seamlessly. He used that time to try and imagine his life without her but he honestly couldn't. It was like trying to imagine the world without air, sunrises and sunsets. He would give anything to have her back, to have her safe and back at his side. All he felt was the dull ache of pain in his chest, the rest of his body was cloaked in a blanket of numbness.

"She'll be fine."

Those were the first words that Catherine had said to him since they had found Sara. She didn't look convinced, she was scared, she could tell. Her hand was clutching his as tightly as he was holding hers. He allowed himself to swallow the bitter lie and continued to watch the clock as more seconds, minutes and hours slipped away.

They had been sitting there for almost two days before Grissom realized the pure ridiculousness of the situation. The rest of the team needed to sleep and eat, not sit here forced to wait for news that may not come.

"You guys should go home. You need to eat and sleep."

They all began to protest but Grissom tuned them out until one by one they left him. Catherine was the last to go, Grissom having to all but push her out the door. She laid a quick kiss on his cheek.

"Call me as soon as you hear anything ok? I'll be back in two hours."

He nodded as she watched her walk off before his eyes returned to the clock, waiting and watching. Another few hours passed before a doctor reappeared again, only this time he headed right for him and again his heart found it's way into his throat.

"Mr. Grissom?"

"Yes. How is she?"

The doctor moved forward and took the seat beside him.

"At the moment, we don't know. We repaired all her internal injuries, set her broken legs but she had swelling on her brain and difficulty breathing on her own. We have her on a machine at the moment and have placed her into a drug induced coma to give her a chance to recover a little more."

"How long will she have to be one the machine?"

"In two days we'll take her off and she if she is able to breathe unassisted."

"So what now?"

"Now we can do nothing but wait. It's up to her now."

Grissom watched as the doctor walked away. He waited until he was alone again before allowing the tears to flow.

* * *

Greg didn't want to be alone. Catherine had given him a lift back to his place but nothing felt right. Images of Sara' mangled body, her blood mingling with the mud that caked the ground. No matter what he did, he could not shake it. He felt out of place and restless. He tried to make something to eat but he almost burned down the kitchen. He tried to sleep but every time he dreamed, it was about Sara. He tried to read but all he could think about was Sara. When she had first started at the lab, he had liked her. He had a crush on her for as long as he could remember. There was harmless flirting between them but it was fun, light and it never went anywhere. Eventually, like every school boy crush, it faded. He respected her as a scientist and as a person, she was like the annoying older sister he never had. She had been there for him when he had needed her and when she needed him, he could do nothing. When the phone call came from Nick, it was the distraction he needed. He grabbed his wallet, coat and keys and headed out the door.

Nick, Warrick, Catherine and Greg sat around the table in stony silence. They were three rounds in and the mood still had not lifted. If anything, it had fallen further then it had been before. Greg sat with his head resting on his fists staring at the glass of whiskey in front of him.

"Do you remember when Sara first arrived at the lab? You hated her Cath."

Catherine gave him a weak smile, her finger tracing the rim of her red wine glass.

"Yeah I did. I have no idea why though."

"I thought she was cute."

"We know you did Greg. A blind man on a horse could see it."

Yeah well it doesn't matter now does it? If she pulls through, she'll be with Grissom. If she dosen't….."

Catherine, who was sitting beside him, slapped her hand up the back of his head, pairing it with a hard glare.

"Don't say that! She's going to be fine, she has to be. I'm not willing to lose another CSI to a maniac. And I really hate to say it, but if he lost Sara, Grissom would fall apart."

Warrick stretched over the table, covering Cath's hand with his.

"Calm down Cath. Breathe."

Catherine nodded slightly, doing as Warrick said, focusing on her breathing more then anything else. It felt like she had not taken a breath the entire time that Sara had been missing. Warrick kept his hand on hers, as he continued to talk, his finger stroking her knuckles.

"What I would love to know is how long they have been going together."

Nick shrugged and played with the nuts in the bowl between them.

"It does not matter. For a short while there, they were both happy. How and when it all started hardly seems worth the worry now. They deserve that happiness."

There was a low murmur of agreement around the table as they fell back into their depressive silence. At the beginning of the evening that had laid out their cell phones on the table, they remained that way, a silent reminder that they may lose their friend and colleague forever.

* * *

Grissom gave himself an hour before making the phone call. He rung Cath and allowed her to pass down the news that he had just received. He stayed in the hard seat, trying to work up some sort of courage to go and see her. He knew what to expect, had seen it plenty of times before with victims. The tube down the throat, the I.V's winding their way in and out of her arm's and the horrible bleeping of the heart monitor. To see her like that would kill him. To see her in such a weak state, to see someone as strong as she normally was pulled down by some else's actions. He waited until the rest of the team reappeared, Catherine passing him a frown.

"Why aren't you with her?"

"I…I can't see her like that."

"What if we come with you?"

Catherine took his hand and the team formed a barrier around him, Nick and Warrick pulling the front, Greg and Brass pushing up the rear. He was terrified at what he was about to see and he tightened his grip on Catherine's hand. She led him to Sara's room, waiting for him to take a peek into the room's small pane of glass that covered the top half of the door. She was too small, far too small to be the Sara he knew. Her face was pale, her body bound tightly with bandages and her face relaxed as she slept. Where was Sara?

"Go in Gil, talk to her."

"She won't hear me. She's in a coma."

"There is nothing to prove that she cannot hear. Talk to her."

She all but pushed him through the door, watching closely as he slowly approached the bed, unsure of what to do with himself. He stayed that way for a little while until he started to feel dizzy, then a he pulled a chair from the corner of the room, placing it next to Sara. What should he say to her? What should he do?" He leaned over and took her hand in his. He was surprised by just how warm it was. He squeezed it gently, waiting for some sign that she could see him, could feel him there beside her. No response came and he was left feeling helpless once again.

"I'm so sorry that this happened Sara."

She looked like doll. Her face blank and beautiful as he confessed his guilt over the situation. This kind of guilt he had felt over Holly, then Nick, Greg and now Sara. How many more times will he be able to deal with this soul crushing feeling? Ever time he thought he had a situation under control, something would happen that proved him wrong.

"Sara, you need to be ok. I don't think I can do this without you. I know I don't tell you this as often as I should but I love you. I always have and I know that I always will. I wanted to give this too you before all this happened. I suppose this is as good a time as any."

He pulled the chain out of his pocket, the key that was attached making a soft tinkling sound in the still room. He picked the key up from an antique shop a few weeks previously. It was a faded gold and was rumored to have been the key to William Shakespeare's study. The chain, he had picked up at a jewelry store and it had the same faded gold color and texture as the key. He carefully placed it around her neck, the key coming to rest at the base of her throat.

"I'm not overly sentimental so I hope that you can hear me because I'm unlikely to repeat this. To some it's just a key on a chain but to me it represents much more then that. You, Sara Sidle, will always have the key to my heart. Regardless of where you go or where I go, you will always have a piece of me with you."

He watched her face for some kind of movement but when none came, he resumed talking.

"I'll tell you the story of the key when you wake up. I'll make you a nice dinner with all of your favorite foods and a feed you a thick slice of strawberry cheesecake until you can't move. Then I'll tell you all about it. And one day when we have kids, you can tell them about the key you wear around your neck and how it came to be that you wear it. It'll be our story and ours alone. Forever."

He kissed the soft skin of the back of her hand, ignoring the feeling of the scratched skin across his lips. Her body was so battered and he was scared of what would be left of her, of his Sara, when she finally did wake up. What scared him even more was what would happen when she did finally wake up? Would she be the Sara he knew and had fallen in love with or will it be someone else entirely? All these thoughts were making his heart hurt and as he watched her sleep, the tears came again. All he wanted was for her to wake up and to be in his life again, to be part of the wonderful thing that had developed between them.

* * *

When the nurses realized that Grissom would not leave Sara's side, they moved a bed into the room for him. The placed it on the opposite side but he moved it just as quickly, pushing it as closely as possible to Sara's, his hand never leaving hers, even in sleep. People came and went but it meant nothing a he watched the time slip by, waiting for the doctors to come in and try to see if she could breath alone, if she had enough will to fight this enormous battle. It was on day three, the scheduled time for the tube to be removed that they brought the amazing news. Sara was pregnant. The baby had been unharmed by the entire incident and in looking after her they had over looked the possibility of pregnancy. It was only when they checked her stomach for the healing of her internal injuries that they located the tiny heartbeat, the one that echoed all of Grissom's hopes. This was what Sara needed to wake up, he was sure of it.

"Ok Mr. Grissom, we're going to see how she goes without the breathing tube. Do you want to be here?"

"Yes."

"What we are going to do is remove the tube and wait two minutes before putting it back in. If she breathes on her own during this time, we'll give her some drugs to wake her from her medical coma. If not, she'll remain this way for another two days before we try again. Do you understand?"

"Yes"

He watched at the end of her bed, his hand on her foot as they gently pulled the tube from her throat. The second slipped past with no movement. He was watching her chest carefully, willing her to breathe. Still nothing happened. The two minutes went by with no movement, aside from those made from the doctors that continued to watch just as hard as Grissom did. He felt like crying and yelling when they put the tube back in, willing her to do something, anything to indicate she was still there. But nothing happened. Grissom grabbed the head doctors sleeve as he passed him.

"What does this mean?"

"Simply put, she's not ready. We'll give her another forty-eight hours before we try this again. If it doesn't work, we need to perform more tests."

"What for?"

"To make sure that there is still some brain function. Considering how long she was under the car for, we need to consider that there may be irreversible damage to her brain."

"She could be brain dead?"

"It's a possibility. But in my experience Mr. Grissom, people with these kinds of injuries take their own time to heal. Don't give up on her quite yet, she'll pull through. Be patient."

Grissom waited until all the medical staff had left the room before climbing onto Sara's bed, his hand on her stomach. Everything had to be ok. It had to be.

* * *

When Catherine arrived later that afternoon, she found Grissom still sleeping on Sara's bed, his hand still protectively on Sara's stomach. She put aside the bag of food that she had brought for him, laying out the paper plates on a table before she began serving. Grissom hadn't had much to eat, only what she and the rest of the team brought

in on their visits but when there was food he ate. She pulled out the bottles of iced tea that she had brought for them, storing several bottles of water and soda in the fridge that sat in the far corner of the room. She waited until she had the Chinese laid out on the table before approaching the bed. She placed a hand on his shoulder, shaking gently.

"Gil. Gil, wake up."

He stirred a little, his eyes going to Sara's still face before turning to Catherine.

"Cath, what are you doing here?"

"Feeding you. Come and have some lunch with me."

Grissom moaned a little as he moved off the bed, his neck suffering for the hours that he had slept beside Sara. He made his way over to the table that Catherine had set up and took a seat across from her and began to eat. Catherine pulled out another bag, this one filled with clothes.

"I brought you a change of clothes too. A bit of friendly advice, you smell a little funky, so there's some shampoo and soap at the bottom of the bag."

"How did you into the house?"

"I know where the spare key is."

"Ok."

"So what did the doctors say?"

"She's not ready to breathe on her own yet. And she's pregnant."

Catherine's fork dropped onto her paper plate, the food splattering over the table and her pants.

"She's pregnant?"

"Yup."

"How did the baby survive all that?"

"Because it's mom is Sara. She can survive anything and she will survive this."

Catherine reached over the table and put her hand over his, her voice low.

"I know she will."

"I can't do this without her Cath. She means more to me then anything else in the world. I just wish she knew that."

"She does Gil."

Grissom pushed his food aside, wondering how the tears could come with so much ease. He thought he had cried himself out but he was wrong. The tears came down his cheeks in waves and once again her found himself helpless to stop them. Catherine moved to stand beside him, her arm around his shoulders, doing what she could to ease his pain.

* * *

Two days later, the same tube removal process was repeated and this time with the same result. She didn't breathe and she made no movement at all as she lay in her bed. Grissom watched as they talked to each other before making notes in their notebooks and ordering tests to ensure she had the right amount of brain activity. Time went by the tests preformed but no one would tell him anything. It was another two days before a doctor he had no idea which one she had so many, pulled him aside.

"Her brain activity is normal."

"So why is she not breathing?"

"We have no idea. Her lungs are fine, she should be able to do this herself."

They all left the room and Grissom took his usual position on the bed, one arm around her the other on her stomach.

* * *

For the next six months, this was his life. He barely left the hospital and only watched from the window as the world continued around him, even though his own life had stood still. He had watched her body change, her stomach extending as the baby grew within her and he felt so sad that she was missing out on this. When he slept next to her at night, he could feel the baby moving, shifting position within her. He had made a list of names for the baby, negotiating between whether it was a boy or a girl and whether or not the name would suit. He desperately wanted Sara to wake up and to help him, he felt so useless, he didn't know what he was doing with this. He everything in his power to try and wake her, from playing her favorite music, reading her favorite books and talking to her, but nothing helped. Her mind was somewhere that he could not reach and he was left with nothing but a shell. He wanted nothing more then to see that smile, to hear that laugh and to hear his name sliding from her mouth. It was another two days before the tube was finally removed and she could breathe on her own. Grissom had never been so happy to see the steady rise and fall of her chest before. She was one step closer to coming back to him.

"Gil."

The first time he heard it, he thought it was all in his head. He dreamed so often of Sara, that hearing his name was almost a desperate attempt by his brain to make sense of it all. He shook his head slightly, trying to dislodge the sound.

"Gil"

This time though, the voice was different. Scratch and confused, it hammered in his ear drums. He finally opened his eyes and was faced with the now awake Sara, her face pulled into a frown.

"What happened?"

Grissom stroked her face, before leaning forward and kissing her, feeling the reassuring pressure from her lips against his. He broke the kiss, a smile mixing with the tears that had started to fall.

"You've been sleep baby."

"How long?"

"Six months. But you're ok honey. I have some big news though"

"What's that?"

"You're pregnant. We're pregnant."

"I'm pregnant? How far along?"

"Seven and a half months now"

"How long have I been out?"

"Six months"

Sara's started to panic, her breaths coming in short gasps.

"Gil……I…..can't…….breathe"

Grissom pressed the panic button next to her bed and tried to calm her down but she continued to have trouble breathing. Nurses came rushing into the room, putting a oxygen mask over her face as she struggled to breathe. It took a good ten minutes before her breathing returned to normal again. Grissom waited for the nurses to leave again before trying to explain the situation to Sara. She sat with her face pulled into a frown, struggling to understand what Grissom was telling her.

"I can't believe I've been unconscious all this time. Can you help me sit up?"

"Sure honey."

He watched as she struggled to move her body with the added weight up the bed into a sitting position, smiling as he made sure that there were enough pillows behind her.

"God Gil, I can't see my toes"

"I know. The baby has grown so much in the last few months. I have something to show you"

She watched him fish through his pocket, pulling out a dog eared piece of paper.

"I made a list of baby names. We don't know if it's a boy or a girl yet, I wouldn't let them tell me."

Sara glanced at the list, not really seeing it at all. This was too much information to absorb at one time. It was only when she moved a little more that she felt the key slide across her chest. She lifted it to eye level and frowned at Grissom.

"What's this?"

"A hugely sentimental gift."

"What does it mean?"

"Well, that key is rumored to be the very key that locked William Shakespeare's study during the time that he was writing some of his most famous works. I wanted you to have it."

"Why?"

Grissom smiled at her as he stroked her hair, it was longer now and much more curly at the ends that it had ever been before.

"This was so much easier to say when you were sleeping"

Sara kissed the palm of his hand as she kept playing with the key.

"Tell me."

"I wanted you to always know that you have the key to my heart. It's a symbol of us. I also told you that no matter where you go or where I go, you will always have a piece of me with you. Mushy or what?"

"I think it's sweet and I love it."

Sara glanced around the room, seeing the bed that was pushed to the side.

"Did you stay here the entire time?"

"Yup. I haven't left this building in six months. I showered in your bathroom and Catherine brought me changes of clothes and food."

"You stayed here for six whole months? Man, do I have you wrapped around my finger or what?"

Grissom laughed.

"That you do. Now, I'm going to go and call the rest of the team ok? Get some rest because once they get here, it'll be impossible."

He kissed her again and left the room. Sara moved her eyes back to her swollen belly, stroking the skin.

"Hey little one. We haven't had much of a chance to get to know each other have?"

The baby shifted beneath her hand and Sara felt an instant jolt of affection for her child. How could she not?

* * *

_Two and a half months later…….._

By the time Bailey Michelle Grissom was born, the team had already moved into action, making Grissom's spare room into a nursery. Sara had very little time between getting discharged from the hospital and the labour itself. She had worked out a plan with the doctor's while she had been there, and they had assured her that as long as she came straight to the hospital and under their supervision, there was no reason that the birth would not go safely. Which is why, as soon as the contractions started, she got right to the hospital, where Bailey was born twelve hours later at five am. She was a healthy nine pounds, with soft skin and beautiful rolls of baby fat. Sara watched as she was passed around from person to person, sleeping soundly, despite the noise that the team was making. She had lost six months of her life, had scars that would remain forever but she honestly could not say that she had ever been happier. She played with the key around her neck, looking forward to the time when Bailey was old enough to be told why her mother wore it and why it will never leave her neck.


End file.
